his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
