Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Randomize
