now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
