$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
