Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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