6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
even my farts smell like vagina
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Randomize
