There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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