Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
