You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
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