I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
I'm at about main and main street
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
