I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
