he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Randomize
