We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Randomize
