matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Randomize
