i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
