So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
