i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Alive.
So much puke
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
