i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
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