My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Randomize
