dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
Are my feet made of real feet?
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Randomize
