he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
