she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
