I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
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