Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
