i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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