If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Randomize
