i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Randomize
