I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Randomize
