New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
