Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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