he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
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