Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Randomize
