Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Randomize
