Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
