I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
