i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
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