Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Randomize
