yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
