Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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