Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
