Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Randomize
