Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Randomize
