wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
