Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
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