wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
