I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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