please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Randomize
