This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
Randomize
