You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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