I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Randomize
